Pregnant with her third child after having a boy and a girl, my mum had hopes that the child would be a boy. In fact, minutes after giving birth, she was still convinced it might have been a boy because in her words “she had no hair.” Alas, the ‘not a boy’ was me.
I don’t know if this story influenced my life but I ended up acting like the brother my only brother never had, to the chagrin of my mother of course. In a nutshell, I had a serious tomboy phase growing up and the bounce I adopted as a teenager still influences my walking step till date.
I grew out of the phase in my later teenage years and embraced all the many beauties and complexities of womanhood. However, this impacted my ability to have numerous male friendships. Somehow, I just fit in with them and often found myself feeling completely at home as ‘one of the guys.’ To clarify, I have numerous female friendships as well so this isn’t a scenario of feeling more comfortable in male friendships. I absolutely adore my girls!
There are many pros and cons of being a female in male friendships and I’ll share some with you today:
1. They can be a lot: For all my insistence of being ‘one of the guys’, there are some situations that just emphasise to me that I really am not. For example, I found a lot of guys, especially when when we are younger, flat out mean. It’s not really like they intend to be but it’s one of the many ways girls and guys are different. I often found myself wary of the harsh words guys use in jest and being one sensitive girl, I learnt to distance myself in order to avoid tears. They could be joking but omo, my heart can not take it. Recently, I was joking with a group of guys and one of them used an insulting phrase to respond to me and I was just taken aback. I have never gotten used to how ‘rough’ guys can be despite my many years of friendship with them so boundaries are important in male friendships. I may be one of the guys, but not really.
2. Emotional depth: For all their lack of sensitivity sometimes, I find male friendships to be incredibly rich emotionally. I think one of the reasons is that guys are groomed to disregard their feelings and so they often never talk about it with each other. In many ways, we females don’t have the same restrictions and so maybe they feel safer talking to us. I’ve had some really deep conversations with my guy friends and being friends with them have helped me see, they are just like us (somehow). What I mean is, there’s this tendency to see guys as the always strong ones but sometimes they struggle just like we do and can be overwhelmed by their responsibilities. Male friendships have helped me develop an appreciation for what it can feel like to be a modern man and in our world where there seems to be a tumultuous gender divide, I’m thankful for the empathy I can feel for them.
3. To be or not to be: Thanks to shows like the Kissing Booth, Friends, and The DUFF, there’s this underlining notion that female-male friendships usually turn romantic. While I’ve heard of some instances, I dare say it is rare. A lot of times, all you will ever be is just friends. Be that as it may, the cloud still hangs heavy in these friendships and this was especially true when I was younger. In secondary school, I had this male friend that I was really close to and I felt so much pressure for it to be more. It never did become anything so I’m convinced Kissing Booth lied to me. As adults, it’s a tad bit more complicated especially when both people are single. You can think to yourself, he is such a great guy, we laugh together, I’m comfortable with him and he knows me really well, could this become something more? Well, wake up little miss the Summer I Turned Pretty, that you have a connection with someone doesn’t always mean it has to turn into something more. Sometimes it does, sometimes you have to make peace that it’s just a hazard that comes with male-female friendships. I would like to pause here to encourage such friends to create proper boundaries when they enter relationships with other people to ensure respect and no hurt feelings.
I’ve enjoyed being one of the guys my whole life and always find it amusing when guys are shocked at how good I am at being their friend. However, I’ve also come to terms that being one of the guys doesn’t equate to being a guy. I celebrate our many differences and appreciate every aspect of my male friendships but I’m learning that those differences are very real and would always colour our interactions but thankfully, without reducing the quality of our relationship.
I’m curious, have you been in many male-female friendships or have you generally avoided them? What lessons have you learnt and what pros and cons have you picked up along the way? Let me know in the comments below!
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