I don’t even know where to start from.

I don’t even know where to start from. When I started this blog, I started with the thought at the back of my mind that I would eventually abandon it, like everyone I knew who had ever started a blog. But somewhere along the line I realized that I didn’t, wouldn’t abandon it, at least not intentionally. I came to want to fight to keep this blog thriving for as long as I could. This is ironic I know, coming almost five months into the new year without a single post published. But do you know what, even with the absence, I didn’t abandon this blog, I knew it was something I would come back to, I just didn’t know when.

I guess today is that day. I’m hoping it can be that day for you too, to start, or stop, whatever you need to. I was hesitant to write because it is pretty late and I have to be up early tomorrow but I said so what? I always try to go to bed early so I won’t be tired; I think it’s okay if I do something a little different tonight because I know I won’t regret it. What I would have regretted is not writing this.

I don’t even know where to start from. A lot has changed in 2022 and yet a lot remains the same. I am still on the journey to becoming a barrister but with a whole lot more clarity than I had last year. I’m in a different phase in my relationship with God, knowing I love Him and being more convinced of His love for me but in a way that is quieter now, almost sober. I’m feeling less in touch with my emotions but I still feel, just a whole lot differently than I am used to.

I always think about the kind of life I want to live. When I began to feel some anxiety a few days ago, I heard the Holy Spirit whispering to me, telling me to take my life as a continuous journey and not a destination that I am striving to arrive at. The problem with destinations are that when we arrive, we can become restless, wanting to see what’s next, always feeling like we’ve not yet quite “arrived” or we can become complacent, so comfortable with ourselves that we stop dreaming. You see, this is not the first time I’m having life questions like this and this is definitely not the first time the Holy Ghost is speaking peace to my heart. I am learning that I am human, I get afraid, I forget the promises of my perfect God but my God is patient and kind. He sends the Holy Ghost to remind me each time I forget, bringing with Him a fresh batch of peace every time. So, I’m thankful for the reminder and I’m choosing today to enjoy every day and every phase, to embrace each chapter and find the joy in every moment but in case I forget to do all this, I’m counting on the sweet Holy Spirit to remind me.

I want to live a full life. That’s something that is so dear to me. It’s why I contested for so many positions in school, why I raise my hand in class, why I try new things and why I am typing this instead of being asleep. I want my life to be full and overpouring, I want to laugh, I want to find the joy in everything, I want to run and run fast, I want to love. My only fear is forgetting that I can find all these things in the ‘mundane’ things of life, that I would feel that I have to attain a certain height before I can feel my dreams are coming true. But I am reminded that’s not true, when I wake up and I can move and I laugh and interact with my family and friends, my life is already full and that’s the truth. Maybe tomorrow what will constitute a full life will look different but that does not in any way diminish the fullness of today or the richness that awaits in the future.

I hope we all realise this and when we forget, may we be reminded. Don’t wait until certain conditions are in place before you give yourself to the joys of life. Don’t be stuck in the past and as the song goes “maybe we always look back and think it was better than it was.” Maybe your present isn’t ideal but I hope you keep hope alive, I hope you’re hopeful and filled with joy for your tomorrow.

I decided to write today because a friend complimented my blog and said she saw potential in it. It made me remember my sister’s advice to keep writing. I’m glad I did. Everyday, my prayer to God is to become a better version of myself than I was the day before and when I look at my life, I am convinced that God hears my prayer. I still have those million dreams that keep me awake but for today, I choose to be grateful for my reality.

I hope you never forget that you’re perfectly loved by the Father and that sweet Jesus is that “friend that sticketh closer than a brother.”

28/4/2022, 11:15pm.