I do not recognise myself from ten years ago. It’s the craziest thing, I am staring at myself in my secondary school’s yearbook and I do not know who the girl with the wide smile and chubby cheeks is. I begin to wonder if I ever knew her, she writes in her profile about loving writing, about loving Bruno Mars, about wanting to become a lawyer. Those things I recognise. I still write, I still love Bruno even if I haven’t listened to any of his songs in ages and I did become a lawyer. But she also says strange things like loving to shout and argue. Those, I do not remember.
I see her again in a general photograph wearing shorts and a polo t-shirt with the collar raised up. It strikes me as odd, this little girl with the peace sign, comfortable in looking like a tough guy. The photo of her with five other girls looks more familiar to me. I’ve always loved having friends, in the circle she looks comfortable, content, happy.
In a recent conversation while planning for our tenth-year reunion, a friend from secondary school had mentioned in passing that she was surprised with how many people I still kept in touch with because I wasn’t very social. That statement surprised me because in my mind’s eye, I remember those glory days. It’s me wielding the mic and addressing the entire school body, it’s me washing communion cups at the back tap and cracking jokes to make everybody laugh, it’s me somehow becoming the head of the prayer unit. It’s me being a genuine social butterfly.
Time gives perspective but it also asks questions. How much of how I saw my time in school differ through the eyes of others. Maybe time gives us different perspectives, we look at our past through different lenses because we have now been shaped by different experiences. I struggle to recognise ten years ago me because in many ways, I am not the same person, I no longer have the same struggles or priorities. But ten years ago me shaped the me of today too. I loved literature back then and I still do today, I loved God then and I do even more today, I wanted to change the world and I still do today.
When you look at your past selves, what do you see? The nostalgic fondness of childhood or the cynicism of adulthood. I think the lens determines what you remember. How can we know we are viewing the past correctly? I’m guessing the answer is more time. Ten years is still so recent, I haven’t understood or come to terms with many things from my childhood so it’s too soon to know. I wonder what 30s me would think of current me.
I’m ending today with the Lyrics from Macklemore and Kesha’s song ‘Good Old Days’ because it puts things so aptly.
Never thought we’d get old, maybe we’re still young
Maybe you always look back and think it was better than it was
Maybe these are the moments
Maybe I’ve been missin’ what it’s about
Been scared of the future, thinkin’ about the past
While missin’ out on now
Photo Credit: Damon Lam on Unsplash.
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