2021 was when I first came to the conclusion that I had a paradoxical personality. It just made sense. I could be the most outgoing person you know (as I’ve grown older I’ve really mellowed out) but at the same time, I could easily tire from social interactions.
Case in point: during my service year, I was vice-president of my CDS group which meant I was in charge of organising events and doing a lot of speaking. Our meetings held every Wednesday and I remember almost always feeling so drained afterwards. I love seeing people happy and seeing places lively, which is one of the reasons why I do not like rainy weather, it always looks so dull to me. Back to the story. I would crack jokes and give long-winded speeches, and cajole and just be a vibe and in many ways, that is the true me.
I don’t feel out of place when I’m that person, I feel right at home, giving and receiving joy in turn. But I’m also the person that can sit by herself all day and not say hello to a single soul except it is absolutely necessary. This, among many other instances, is the reason why I find it so hard to categorise myself as an extrovert or an introvert. Unlike other extroverts, I do not often seek out the spotlight, in many instances I have been comfortable to stand silent in the sidelines. Unlike many introverts, I have spoken my mind several times no matter the crowd, I have been the first to raise my hand without being called, introduced myself first, given public talks without being prepared. The list goes on.
Hence, paradoxical personality. I was convinced that I came up with the phrase until I did some digging and found out that it actually did exist. There were in fact people like me out there.
Being this kind of person means sometimes I feel out of place. I wish I was more assertive and sometimes I feel like I need to tone it down a little. Some days I feel like I’m the loudest person in the room and other days, I tell myself “Favour, you need to speak up more.” Yet, all these things are true and many times I find myself asking, who are you really? I believe that all of them are the me I need to be, the me I think I need to be and the me that just wants to be.
I listened to a TED Talk by professor of psychology, Brian Little and he said that as an introvert he could act in extroverted ways sometimes because there are certain projects in our lives that would demand that certain aspects of you show up. He however warns that we should be careful about how long we spend in these ‘free traits’ so we don’t begin to find that we are not properly taking care of ourselves.
I was in a conversation with a friend recently who asked me if I thought I was more of an introvert or an extrovert? I told him that I thought I was more extroverted, based on my track record. He was genuinely surprised and told me he thought I was more introverted. I think it would depend on where you meet me although a vast majority of people would probably say that I’m more of an extrovert and I agree.
I speak up when it feels unlikely that anyone else would say something but I’ve often remained silent when I shouldn’t for fear of disapproval or punishment. I’ve said hi first because I’ve realised making friendships are important and I would have to put myself out there to establish some relationships but I have also held my peace for fear of rejection or genuine disinterest. I’ve led thousands of conversations about various topics, never once missing a beat or running out of what to say, only saying goodbye because it became absolutely necessary but I’ve also found myself stuttering through various conversations, mispronouncing words that I’ve known my whole life and leaving meetings feeling so unsure of myself, doubting everything.
All of these things are true. Sometimes I see women in their 30s and they look so self-assured, so brave, so confident in their abilities and I wonder if these things will come with age because I’m halfway through my 20s and some days I feel like I haven’t made progress. Some days I can’t believe how far I have come. All of these things are true. Feeling all that and feeling not at all. All of these things are true.
I would never say I am complicated because I’m genuinely not, for me, what you see is truly what you get. But I think life is complicated and so is our reaction to it. Our special “projects” just like Professor Brian Little described it. On the days when I grapple with my imperfections, I turn to God. With the hurt, confusion, anger, fears, oh so many fears, doubts, anguish, sorrow, pride, I turn to God. The psalmist says it was God who fashioned us and so He knows how we work (Psalm 33:15). He understands what moves us, He understands how our passions ebb and flow. He gets us even when we don’t seem to get ourselves. I turn to God and I say, I don’t know if I know who I am. I don’t know how I’ll become all that you have destined me to be but I know you give the grace. So here I am, have your way.
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Listen to the TED Talk: Who are you, really? The puzzle of personality by Brian Little
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